Author: Gulnar

Enjoy!

Life comes full circle, doesn’t it? I was resolving an argument between my kids and before I knew it the words tumbled out of my mouth. “Put yourself in the other person’s shoes”, I told my son. I never thought I would say those words.

When I was a kid and got into arguments with siblings and cousins, my father always had a standard response: “Sweetie, put yourself in the other person’s shoes”. After a while, I knew what he would say but would gripe and complain nevertheless, only to hear the oft-repeated phrase. As I grew up, I realized how these little pieces of advice can shape you so immensely. I saw colleagues and friends struggling at work, with relationships, and with so many other interactions just because they couldn’t see things from another’s perspective – a blessing I had, thanks to my father. Words have power. Little things do matter.

Watch this snippet to see what I mean.

Anyway, back to it. After I finished my conversation with my son, I had an epiphany. What if these words were crucial to not just simple interactions but could be connected to a lot of the violence against women that we see? Global estimates published by WHO indicate that about 1 in 3 (35%) of women worldwide have experienced either physical and/or sexual intimate partner violence or non-partner sexual violence in their lifetime. 1 in 3. Women are easy prey especially in times of war or in the genocide of a people.

This is only too evident in the recent BBC report on Uyghur women which focuses on the treatment of women in the internment camps. One Uyghur woman, Tursunay Ziawudun, is mainly featured in this article. I sat horrified as I read the systematic and cruel torture and humiliation that was being carried out against these women. Clearly it was meant to dehumanize and destroy them. Not very different from what was meted out to victims of the Holocaust, Bosnians, Rohingya, Boko Haram, sadly the list goes on. 

As I spent the next few days with the image of this Uyghur woman burned in my memory, I grappled with the depravity and inhumanity of these crimes. How can one hurt another human so? How do you live with yourself after committing such atrocities? I just can’t fathom it. Maybe this happens when you don’t see the other person as human, or see them as lesser of a human. You do not see the humanity of the person in front of you. What you see is a dehumanized representation of them. How can we change that? Clearly there are multiple factors involved that contribute to gender violence – wars, politics, stereotypical portrayals in media, poor legislation, and lack of gender awareness. Needless to say we have to strive to bring about change in all these areas. But it is also imperative that we start first in our own homes. We should teach our children empathy, specifically our boys. If we want a world free of violence we must teach our children differently .

In the words of Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, 

“We must also raise our boys differently. We do a great disservice to boys on how we raise them; we stifle the humanity of boys…. We teach boys to be afraid of fear. We teach boys to be afraid of weakness, of vulnerability.”

And then we wonder how men can be so cruel, how they can inflict such horror on women? We teach them not to cry, not to be “sissies”, not to be in touch with their emotional selves and when they are emotionally deficient, we complain. When they grow up and are oblivious to the dignity, hurt and feelings of the women they love, work with or interact with, we are taken aback. We socialize our boys into being ruthless; we don’t socialize them into becoming caring human beings. It is as if we are afraid that if they are not ‘tough’ or ‘ruthless’ they are not manly enough.

Frederick Douglass said, 

“It’s easier to build strong children, than to repair broken men”. 

What if we take this advice to heart? What if we nurture our boys like we nurture our girls and also teach them to be nurturing? 

What if we taught them that it is cowardly to inflict harm on someone who is not as physically strong? 

What if we taught them the importance and value of consent? 

What if we taught them that real men stand up against oppression and injustice, whoever it may be against? 

What if we taught them that they could show empathy, be nurturing and gentle and still stand tall and tough in the face of adversity, that the two are not mutually exclusive? (For all the worried naysayers out there, please understand we do not emasculate our boys by teaching them empathy. Rather, we bring out their full power and potential.)

To summarise all these what-ifs: What if we taught our children to put themselves in the other person’s shoes? To put themselves in the shoes of women?

Maybe we would have a different world. Maybe then we will never have to weep for another Jyoti Singh or a Tursunay. Rest in peace Jyoti. May you find peace Tursunay.